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Friday, September 06, 2002
MORE ON THIS CLANDESTINE OPERATION

My name is not Brad or Jim or Steve. I'm planning on using any old name that suits me since I can't use my real one. Please e-mail me with suggestions. Thanks.

Is it possible that I must remain secretive about by identity because I work for a major newspaper? Is it because I disagree with this publication's editorial positions and question its objectivity? Is it because they make me refer to Earth First! as a mainstream concerned citizens group and Ralph Nader as a moderate? Perhaps, but I can't say. Whatever you think, I do not work for the
Washington Post. Really. I swear to Allah on a stack of yellow newspapers.
posted by Jimmy 12:30 PM
WHY THE TITLE "DC BLOWS?"

Mainly, because it does. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't live anywhere else. I'm a mid-Atlantic fella, born and braised in this soup of melted porkfat. It's just that this city sucks like no city hath sucketh before. Sure, Mogadishu sucks. I'm pretty sure Riyadh sucks for the ladies. Port-au-Prince is a little rough around the edges, what with the 97.9% AIDS factor. But the thing is, these cities have always sucked. What's special about Washington, DC is that it was once a global beacon of liberty, but pissed it all away. That sort of Greek tragedy puts it in a class by itself. Kudos, DC.

"But aren't there things that suck in other US cities?" you ask. Yes. Yes there are. However, the sucktoitiveness of Washington is responsible for much of this extra-beltway suckage. Say, for example, I go to
Dollywood in Tennessee. I'm pretty positive that this would blow (all on its own), but it would inevitably be made worse by the toilet regulations. You feed a bunch of hairy rednecks grits for breakfast, provide them with 1.8 GPF toilets, and see what happens. That's just one bad example of how DC has the uncanny ability to exacerbate problems from sea to shining sea. I will hopefully come up with better ones, since that's kind of the whole point of this blog, but it's not likely, so you may want to give up reading this now before it's too late.
posted by Jimmy 11:27 AM
ANONYMOUSTACIOED

The only lifeform lower than a blogger is an anonymous blogger. An anonymous blogger is much like Alex Trebek's
mustache circa 1985. Useless, unattractive and deserving of ridicule. A man who blogs incognito usually does so for one of the following reasons:

1. He is such a pusillanimous twit that he is scared to couple a name with his empty-headed ideas.
2. A .jpeg of his face would toast monitors.
3. His imperious employer prohibits blogging.

Many would say that I fit into category 4 (all of the above). So, please, as I mentioned before, get lost.

Thanks,
Steve
posted by Jimmy 10:29 AM
A NOTE TO READERS

Please don't. Read, I mean. This blog will be, at best, the over-comma'd musings of an embittered half-wit and, at worst, a downward spiral into scatological
coprolalia. So, if you perchance arrived here by accident after searching on "potty mouth who once dated Monica Lewinsky," I advise you to stop reading now, log out, go outside and vandalize something pretty. You'll be doing both of us a favor.

Thanking you in advance for not coming back,
Jim
posted by Jimmy 6:30 AM
LOOK MA! I'M YANKING IT!

So, here it is. The first post in the masturbatory act we all call blogging. For the record, I find the self-published deplorable. They have the philosophical insight of Benny from LA Law and the proficiency of a Public School teacher from DC. But now, thanks to the magic of the Internet (capitalized for your pleasure!), any wanker that can type can blather on about his cat's licking habits. Whoooooo-hoooooo! The same technology that brought us African money scams and, worse yet, 500 articles from
Jake Tapper, has now allowed thousands of jacks-off from around the globe to plink away at their keyboards, posting inane opinions on such critical topics as pocket lint and colostomy bags. Hooray!

So why join the ranks of tossers? Fortunately, I have no fulfilling hobbies (other than smoking) and no prospects for meaningful relationships, leaving plenty of leisure time. With nothing better to do, I have decided to spank away.
posted by Jimmy 4:43 AM



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